“Out” or Not, On Coming Out Day You’re Okay

There are a lot of days of remembrance throughout the year for people who identify with letters in LGBTQI+++. And that seems to be how it should be, for in the midst of that larger demographic there are subgroups who we don’t want to get lost in the crowd and who need to be recognized and valued.

On that list of dates is LGBTQ History Month every October as distinct from Pride Month in June. Founded in 1994 by a Missouri high-school teacher to highlight the role models and contributions of LGBTGQI+ people in, well, history, it’s since been adopted worldwide.

October was chosen to coincide with National Coming Out Day on October 11^th, the anniversary of the Second March on Washington for LGBTQ rights in 1987. That day was founded to celebrate positively the “coming out” of LGBTQ people publicly and rooted in the then feminist and gay liberation movements’ well-known affirmation that “the personal is political.” 

I wish people could come out of their closets on this or any day because our society was healthy enough about sex, sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender realities to accept LGBTQ+ people or even those uncertain or confused about where they might fit.

I also wish everyone believed that it’s also okay not to know for sure, but a lot of us seem to feel safer when people fit into definitive, less ambiguous categories. And there often doesn’t seem to be a category - or much patience - for the confused and uncertain.

Even those who have come out can be suspicious about “what’s really going on” with people who just might not know yet, or who are “experimenting.” I suspect, too, that if our society as a whole were healthier, we could accept that there are a lot more of these people than anyone wants to admit and the uncertain and unsure could safely say they are. The confused and uncertain too, then, need to “come out.”

If anything, National Coming Out Day should be a time for us to give people a break. LGBTQ+ people have had enough guilt piled on them by society for millennia anyway without adding another layer themselves because someone hasn’t declared where they’ll land as members of the club.

There’s a diversity of circumstances when “coming out” is proposed for anyone. These are not just excuses but realities for the LGBTQ+ person – family, occupational, religious, geographical, and financial.

And the last of those is one that American classism tries to ignore. It’s generally easier to be out in middle and upper-class circumstances than in working class environments. And it’s easier for those who don’t have their fortunes on the line to scapegoat LGBTQ+ working class people rather than to confront the effects of the all-pervasive structure of class in our society from which the uppers might benefit.

It's plainly insensitive for someone who has little to lose by being out in her or his occupation and social circles to ignore the ramifications for and even criticize someone who recognizes and has to pay a bigger price for coming out.

Some argue that if everyone came out, the reality of those numbers would change the world. No matter how true that might be, it’s not a good reason for someone to come out. Coming out to make the rest of us feel better or to have a better life in some way still isn’t a good reason to do so.

Some argue that it’s easier to come out now than decades ago because of the gains of LGBTQ+ movements. That, of course, ignores the very real ramping up of rhetoric against them that seems to have turned the clock back.

But it also comes from a place of privilege, from places where there is more acceptance thanks to the work of advocates for generations, not those of others dominated by the screeching of religious and political bigots.

Some argue that coming out will help straight people get over their prejudices when they face whom they are really putting down. They’ll see that LGBTQ+ people are “normal,” which I think means “straight-acting.”

That isn’t a good reason either. No LGBTQ+ person owes the straight community anything around this issue, while the straight community historically owes LGBTQ+ people more than just apologies.

Only you can decide if and when you will be open about who you are. But there is only one reason to “come out” if and when you have decided it’s the right and safe time for you and no one else. Don’t come out a minute before that.

Come out for your own integrity and because you love yourself. Then coming out is an act of power and self-love.

It won’t solve all your problems for it is a beginning on the next step of your journey - and we all have other issues (from society and our own personal histories). But it will change some things. 

Mostly, and most importantly, it will change you.

Remember, it’s natural to have fears. Change itself can feel very scary – and not just for you.

When you come out, some people will leave you and others will not. Some people will need a lot of time to rethink and re-feel how they are to be.

Some will need to be reassured that they will not lose anything they value in your relationship with them. Others will say: “Oh, we thought so.”

Some might reject you. Others might love you for it.

Back in 1990, psychologist Rob Eichberg wrote Coming Out: An Act of Love. It’s still worth reading if you have worries about what to do.

As he put it: “Coming out is a process of growth and learning; coming out proudly is a statement of one’s strength and integrity.”

In the meantime, whatever you decide as we celebrate “Coming Out Day,” be gentle with yourself. And also remember: when you’re ready to leave the closet, you will.